150 Things Not to Do At the Defense (Okay, 61 Things)

1. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
2. Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.
3. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
4. Stage your own death/suicide.
5. Lead the spectators in a Wave.
6. Have a sing-a-long.
7. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
8. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
9. Puppet show.
10. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
11. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
12. "Everybody rumba!!"
13. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
14. Charge a cover and check for ID.
15. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
16. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
17. No show.
18. Door prizes and a raffle.
19. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
20. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
21. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
22. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
23. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
24. Pass the collection basket.
25. Two-drink minimum.
26. Black tie only.
27. Release a flock of doves.
28. Defense by proxy.
29. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
30. Food fight.
31. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
32. Halftime show.
33. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" (sic) hands.
34. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.
35. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to(Made-up non-existent room number)"
36. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
37. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
38. Do a soft-shoe routine.
39. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
40. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.You're out."
41. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band,and a bonfire.
42. Shadow puppets.
43. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
44. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
45. Call your advisor "sweetie".
46. Have everyone pose for a group photo.
47. Instant replay.
48. Laugh maniacally.
49. Answer every question with a question.
50. Hand out 3-D glasses.
51. "I don't know - I didn't write this."
52. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
53. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
54. Hide.
55. "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
56. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
57. Mosh pit.
58. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
59. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
60. Hold a raffle.
61. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."