The Long Road to the Dissertation

And. . .it's over!

2009-06-16T18:01:00.003-04:00

Don't be sad that I got my Ph.D. I will keep the blog going, but the name will probably change!

So, for all of you who like the gory details, here is the play by play:

10:25- Arrive at BC. Find parking on the very top of the garage at the end of the row.

10:35- The room is locked. Sign on the door is hanging by just one corner.
10:36- Go to the Dean's office to get the key, while taking down signs advertising my defense from all walls (hoping people might forget).
10:38- Unlock room where there is a buffet table of moldy food from a Friday meeting. Ewwww.
10:40- Tech guys pulls down the projection screen to reveal green marker drawn circles (woops-- guess someone thought it was a white board).
10:45- Rearrange the room, so there are no objects to trip on and everyone can see the screen (and green marker).
10:45-11:00- Waiting. One of my committee members is a tad late.
11:00-11:35- Present.
11:35-12:45- Questions and Answers
12:45- Everyone leaves the room while the committee deliberates.
12:50- The door opens and they say "Welcome, Doctor!" They then told me that they wanted to pass me with distinction and they had no revisions. None of them had ever seen a dissertation before that did not require revisions.
1:20- Bottle of champagne consumed and I was leaving BC for the LAST TIME!!!!
2:30- Larry is awarded an honorary degree.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It means so much to me!!!! Please keep checking the blog. . .I know I will keep writing.

Stressing

2009-06-13T21:02:00.002-04:00

I am sooooo close! My practice run through on Tuesday was a little over the time limit. But I feel like I have made significant changes and I should be ready to go on Monday. Currently, there is a pile of questions on the kitchen table that Larry can randomly draw from. This is to help me practice "thinking on my feet." If you didn't know it, this is one of the most important skills someone with a Ph.D. can have. I need to be prepared to demonstrate my competency in this area.

My biggest worry at this point is that if I don't pass, Larry may physically harm someone at BC. We need to come up with a plan for how to get him of campus in the event that things go terribly wrong. That would be bad!

Thank you all!

2009-05-31T12:54:00.000-04:00

T-minus 34 hours minus 3.5 hours

2009-05-30T17:29:00.002-04:00

Update:
Top Ten Things Left to Do:
1. Check all my citations for proper punctuation. DONE
2. Write a moving concluding paragraph to inspire reader(s). DRAFTED
3. Add the date to my title page. Still don't know what "the date you receive your degree not finish your dissertation means"
4. Add a table to the methods (if there is time). There was and it looks freakin' gorgeous.
5. Deactivate spelling and grammar checks so my committee doesn't see all the frickin "passive voice" Don't dare to just yet.
6. Reread my notes from my defense to be sure I have included special little gifts for each of my committee members (per their request) in my final draft. DONE they should be very happy with all of their suggestions I took.
7. Watch last week's episode of the Bachelorette so I am ready for this Monday. NOT YET
8. Be sure that the page numbers do not start until page 4- tricky! OH yes they do!
9. Remove all notes to my self within the text that are in blue. Have to check one more time.
10. Hit send. This is terrifying me.

T-minus 34 hours. . .

2009-05-30T14:09:00.003-04:00

I am surprisingly calm right now. I am thinking about adding an extra table because I have so much time on my hands.
Top Ten Things Left to Do:
1. Check all my citations for proper punctuation.
2. Write a moving concluding paragraph to inspire reader(s).
3. Add the date to my title page.
4. Add a table to the methods (if there is time).
5. Deactivate spelling and grammar checks so my committee doesn't see all the frickin "passive voice" I use.
6. Reread my notes from my defense to be sure I have included special little gifts for each of my committee members (per their request) in my final draft.
7. Watch last week's episode of the Bachelorette so I am ready for this Monday.
8. Be sure that the page numbers do not start until page 4- tricky!
9. Remove all notes to my self within the text that are in blue.
10. Hit send.

2009-05-29T11:56:00.003-04:00

In a little over 48 hours I will be hitting "send." And then the wait begins. I think it is adrenaline, but I am feeling energized and motivated and ready to tackle these last few details. I can't believe I am almost done. My to-do list fits on a post-it note. This is it! I will keep you posted as the next few hours unfold.

Future plans

2009-05-25T10:12:00.003-04:00

With the end firmly fixed on the horizon, I have started thinking about the things I am going to do with all the time on my hands after I finish my degree. I welcome suggestions, but here is the beginning of the list

Top 10 Things to Do With Free Time After Completing Dissertation:
1. Read some novels.
2. Make cute cat videos for You Tube.
3. Get my 26-year old body back.
4. Take naps.
5. Carft time.
6. Find a place to live.
7. Water the plants.
8. Play some games.
9. Watch Lifetime movies all day on a Saturday.
10. Start thinking about my next degree.

Soon to come: "Top 10 Practical Uses for the Dissertation"

Progress

2009-05-21T18:40:00.002-04:00

I am looking forward to a productive weekend. One of the last weekends I will spend working on this. I am heading to Boston so I know I will be able to work. I just need to finish my final chapter and then do some revisions on my results chapter. I am starting to get nervous that there is more I should be including. Whenever I read something new that applies it makes me think that I have not be thorough enough. I will be glad when this is over.
I reserved a room on campus for June 9 at 4:00 to do a run through to be sure I can present everything in the time I am given. I am looking for a few volunteers to listen to me and look really mean and then ask me questions after (I will even provide the questions). It will be good practice.

Let the coutdown begin

2009-05-19T17:12:00.001-04:00

Things are coming together. I have almost officially set my date. I am waiting for one more response from a committee member That gives me two weeks to put the finishing touches on this and to get chapter 5 in order. I feel like I have done a lot of rearranging in the past few days and that is a little scary because somehow I feel like I may have lost some things. Now I just have to work on the transitions. I want to tell the story as clearly as possible. It feels good to have a set date (although I’ve really had it in my head all along). I can’t wait to get this thing done.

Maybe it is common to start having doubts as this point in the process, but I woke up this morning feeling like I don’t have a lot to say. I know that isn’t true, I have 200 pages to prove it, but I can’t help but think that it is not what I think it is. I trust my committee chair though. She has high expectations, so I don’t think she would lead me astray.

Relief is on the horizon.

And then there was one

2009-05-17T11:36:00.002-04:00

Today is the day. I am going to hammer out my final chapter. I am still waiting for my revisions on chapter 4, which would really help me to know where to go in the last chapter. But I'm not mad. I will just assume that it was brilliant and there was nothing wrong with it and proceed with that in mind. Just two weeks until I can breathe a little and a month until this can all be behind me. Okay, time to buckle down.
Things within arm's reach:
1. Cold can of Pepsi
2. Blackberry (in case anyone needs to call me)
3. Computer (obviously)
4. Tissues (needed them yesterday)
5. Assortment of colored pens and highlighters
6. Chapstick
7. Notes to write chapter 5
8. Fork (to poke myself in the eye)
9. I-pod (loving Adele lately)
10. Easy button

Congrats

2009-05-16T10:05:00.002-04:00

I am trying to stay calm right now, but I am two weeks away from needing to be done. My chapter four revisions have not come back yet and I am still waiting on them to really dive into chapter 5. I am really ready for this to be over. I am feeling stretched a little thin because it is that time of year when lots of things are going on and I can't say no to any of them. Right now I am about to head over to graduation to see some of our alums get their degrees. This is such a special day for them and what an accomplishment. I am so proud of all they have done and will do. Congratulations!

Current Status

2009-05-12T18:10:00.002-04:00

Chapters complete: 4.3333
Pages: 179
Revisions: several
Days since last email from dissertaion chair: 13
Cans of Pepsi consumed today: 2
Minutes until massage appointment: 45
Papers on the floor of office: 41
Days until the final draft is due: 19
Remaining chapters: .6666
Average hours of sleep per night: 7.5

Addicted

2009-05-03T20:07:00.002-04:00

I am addicted to making progress. I just finished chapter 3. I know, if you have been following along that I finished chapter 4 last week. . . Well, I wrote the first three chapters before I started data collection, so now that I am done I need to go back and write what I really did (not what I planned to do). So, today I worked on my methods chapter, going back and looking at the details and writing about rigor. I am now printing a copy and heading home to edit it. I can't wait to get this thing done with. I am about a month away!!!!!!

Margins

2009-04-25T19:38:00.002-04:00

I haven't really been too concerned with the number of pages I am writing. However, when I just went to BC's website to look up some format regulations for tables, I discovered that my top and left hand margins need to be 1.5 inches. . .it felt good to add about 10 pages to my dissertation in a matter of seconds. Woohoo.
Things are coming together nicely. The methods chapter is being revised and Chapter 4 is almost ready to be sent to my committee for more revisions. The beautiful weather in Boston today really helped to keep me positive and focused.
We just ordered some Thai food and I am having a glass of wine to celebrate. Tomorrow it is back to Maine. . .I am sad, but motivated.

Chapter 4, draft 1 complete

2009-04-24T09:23:00.003-04:00

I finished the first draft of Chapter 4!! It feels good, but I also know that I have to do some major rearranging because the format I started out with just didn't work for the whole thing. I am meeting with R today to discuss the layout. At least the content is done and on paper. Larry and I are going to start playing around with the order of things (when he wakes up). He is a great editor and a tremendous help. I think we are going to tackle it the old fashioned way. . .I am going to print out all 67 pages and we are going to take the scissors to it. This is one project the cats can not be part of. They would just love to roll around on all those pages!
More to come later. . .

Snowfall totals

2009-04-13T18:57:00.003-04:00

I need the snowfall total for this winter. Anyone know what it is? Anyone know where I can find it? It will add greatly to chapter 4. . .okay not so much, but there is one line where I say how much snow we were under this winter. . .could add some flavor to this dry account of my research. Help!

Finding my voice

2009-04-13T18:57:00.002-04:00

I am plugging away at the writing of Chapter 4. It is slow, but I am making progress. I feel like my biggest challenge right now is finding my voice. In dissertation seminar we talked about writing in first person and how that is how more and more dissertations are being written. Of course this feels more natural and is much easier to write, but I feel like I am breaking rules. I just read a little of “Writing up Qualitative Research” and of course Wolcott says to use first person and set the stage with lots of thick description, but I am worried that my dissertation will be perceived as a piece of creative writing if I get too into that description. I know the style that I want to write my book in, but I'm not sure if my committee will think that style is appropriate for this piece. I think my approach is going to be to write it the way that feel natural and then go back later and change the language if needed. And then I will save all of my drafts so I can refer back to them when I am preparing the manuscript.

Words from the Wise

2009-04-12T14:17:00.001-04:00

“Who are you who will read these words and study these photographs, and through what cause, by what chance, and for what purpose, and by what right do you qualify to, and what will you do about it.” (James Agee Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, p.9)

150 Things Not to Do At the Defense (Okay, 61 Things)

2009-04-10T08:46:00.006-04:00

1. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
2. Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.
3. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
4. Stage your own death/suicide.
5. Lead the spectators in a Wave.
6. Have a sing-a-long.
7. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
8. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
9. Puppet show.
10. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
11. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
12. "Everybody rumba!!"
13. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
14. Charge a cover and check for ID.
15. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
16. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
17. No show.
18. Door prizes and a raffle.
19. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
20. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
21. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
22. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
23. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
24. Pass the collection basket.
25. Two-drink minimum.
26. Black tie only.
27. Release a flock of doves.
28. Defense by proxy.
29. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
30. Food fight.
31. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
32. Halftime show.
33. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" (sic) hands.
34. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.
35. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to(Made-up non-existent room number)"
36. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
37. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
38. Do a soft-shoe routine.
39. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
40. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.You're out."
41. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band,and a bonfire.
42. Shadow puppets.
43. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
44. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
45. Call your advisor "sweetie".
46. Have everyone pose for a group photo.
47. Instant replay.
48. Laugh maniacally.
49. Answer every question with a question.
50. Hand out 3-D glasses.
51. "I don't know - I didn't write this."
52. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
53. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
54. Hide.
55. "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
56. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
57. Mosh pit.
58. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
59. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
60. Hold a raffle.
61. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

The Center for Responsible Hydration

2009-04-10T08:46:00.004-04:00

I have been drinking Defense Vitamin Water in preparation for my dissertation defense. I am hopeful that it will have a postive impact.

Calzolaio Pasta Co.

2009-04-09T18:44:00.004-04:00

Is it Thursday again all ready? Does that mean I can avoid my work to do another thank you? Yes! Tonight I would like to thank all of my new friends at Calzolaio Pasta Co. in Wilton. This is an amazing restaurant with delicious food and wine. I have been going there on Wednesday nights for dinner and reality TV. Everyone there is so friendly and funny and they have no idea how much they have helped me through this process. It is nice to look forward to amazing food and good company every week. All you ANTM fans, please join us on Wednesday nights at 8:00. Come earlier for dinner. If you are reading this, then you might also want to come and have dinner with me and talk about my dissertation (or NOT!!!).

So thank you again CPC staff. This is a great restaurant and has become one of my favorite coping mechanisms. I think this will continue long after the degree is complete!

The Cycle Continues

2009-04-09T18:11:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I started talking about the cycles that are prevalent in all of the contexts my study looks at. I have two more contexts to think about today: family and personal identity (self). In the family, the cycle that seemed to present itself was one of negative influences leading to negative behaviors. For some of my participants and many of the educators, it seemed like the family is very influential. It is from a young age that people begin developing their scripts, which are the cognitive structures that influence how we think the world operates. The scripts we create for how "typical life" should be will stick with us throughout development. So, if there are negative influences in the home (or low expectations), scripts are developed around these negative influences and/or low expectations. Children begin to believe that what they have experienced is the way the world works. This can be detrimental to their progress in some cases.

On a personal level there are also cycles that are hard to break. Some educators talked about the personal choices adolescents make regarding relationships and how they play out for better or worse. For example, a teen chooses a partner who is educated, then they become pregnant and have a child, then they must work to provide for the child abandoning ideas for higher education, and without education they are likely to remain in poverty. Another cycle that was emphasized by my adolescent participants was around confidence and determination. They talked about hearing from others that they can't make it and eventually believing what they are hearing and not doing what they set out to do.

Now the question: how do we interrupt these cycles to create new pathways that allow them to rise up out of poverty?

"A cycle that you really can't break"

2009-04-08T18:07:00.003-04:00

A recurring theme in my results section is the presence of cycles. Carla is the one who pointed out to me that these are really prevalent and that they are what underlies everything. I am creating a model and basically, the underlying variables (cycles, money, and definitions of success) interact with the variables in specific contexts of the adolescent's life (family, school, rural communty, and personal identity) to yield outcomes. In quantitative terms, I am suggesting that the cycles are moderators between the contextual factors and outcomes. Of course I have no intention of quantifying these data and showing statistically how there is an interaction between these variables. However, I think I can demonstrate the same relationship with these data.

These cycles are present in each of the four contexts mentioned above. In the Rural community the most prevalent cycle is the car--> job cycle. Basically, an adolescent needs a job, but in order to get that job she needs a car, and then the job becomes necessary to afford the car and no financial progress is made because all the money earned goes directly to the car. There are also cycles that revolve around transportation related to health care. One must travel to be able to use Mainecare, but without transportation one can not get health care, and if one misses several appointments due to lack of transportation, he is no longer able to receive health care with that provider. As one of my participants said "the system doesn't acknowledge the barriers and try to develop the infrastructure to minimize the barriers." So the negative outcomes of living in poverty are perpetuated.

The cycles in the educational setting are also frustrating. Both the educators and the students talked about tracking in the schools. Essentially, low income students are more likely to be in lower tracks for academic classes (even when they match their peers academically). If low income students are placed in lower academic tracks, this impacts their academic preparedness, which in turn impacts success in higher education, which impacts persistence and attrition rates, which means they aren't completing their educations and getting out of poverty. Similarly, students who are homeless face attendance issues. Some schools have attendance policies that do not award credit to students if they miss a certain number of days of school, this means that they are not graduating, not going on to higher education, and staying in poverty.

Tomorrow I will discuss the cycles on a familial and personal level.

I Am Just a Poor Boy Though My Story's Seldom Told

2009-04-06T18:18:00.001-04:00

A great article about chronic poverty and its effects on the brain. This is a summary of the original paper that was in this week's Proceedings on the National Academy of Sciences.

http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=13403177

Outline Done!

2009-04-06T17:38:00.001-04:00

I now have a working outline for Chapter 4!!! This is good news because it means I can start writing. It is overwhelming because I'm not sure that I have anything meaningful to say. I am keeping my eyes on the prize though!

Thanksgiving Thursday

2009-04-02T12:27:00.003-04:00

I am starting a new weekly posting called "Thanksgiving Thursday." I know it is a little too soon to start thanking people (because it isn't actually over yet). However, it is time to start recognizing the people who are getting me through this. My first official thank you is going to Larry. Larry has been part of this all since I applied to doctoral programs. There have been many times when I have questioned what I am doing and doubted that I could survive some of the politics of academia. Larry has always supported me. Larry also listens to me (and engages in conversations with me) when I talk about poverty and all of the things on my mind. Without this constant dialogue, I would not have gotten to this place. I am very lucky. So, on this first Thursday of April I thank you, Larry Ronco.

Roll the credits

2009-04-01T13:09:00.005-04:00

A huge part of research is confidentiality and protecting the identity of one's participants. I completely understand the need for this (I had an assistantship with the IRB) and I think it is very important. However, I am feeling a dilemma related to the fact that my participants said some brilliant things and I am using their words over and over again, and somehow two little quotation marks just don't seem like enough to give credit to those who provided the words and thoughts. I have so much respect and admiration for the educators whom I interviewed and the students in the groups that analyzed the data. I know it is my job to analyze, synthesize, and present the findings in a way that gives them voice and does justice to their contributions, but naming them might be important too. Here I am, asserting that the rural poor are a quieted and oppressed group that are too far away to be heard, and yet I am keeping them hidden myself. I just have to reconcile this for myself and find a way to recognize them without revealing their identities. But how do I do that?

MECA

2009-03-31T11:31:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I presented at the Maine Counseling Association Conference in Rockport. It was a long drive for another line on my CV, but it was well worth it. I presented to a room full of guidance counselors which was a perfect audience to share my research with. Last Friday I pulled out the proposal I sent in October to present at this conference. I wanted to know what I said I would talk about. To my surprise, it was my dissertation! I started to panic. I have just started data analysis. I don't think I'm ready to make any public claims about any of my findings. So, I spent the weekend analyzing and thinking and putting together some big ideas. In the end, I think the process helped to move me forward. I definitely have some major themes in mind now and I am ready to start writing my final two chapters. Figuring out how I am going to put it all together is going to make my head hurt, but I have time to edit it. I want to thank the Maine Counseling Association for allowing me to share my research and for the warm welcome I received.

"We write our own destiny. . ."

2009-03-28T13:34:00.004-04:00

My latest fortune: "We write our own destiny. We become what we do."

I think I am almost well again. I feel like I lost a lot of valuable time this week being sick, but I am still moving forward. Have I mentioned how amazing my research assistant is? Carla and I put in another three hour coding session this week and tackled the adolescent focus group data. Something Carla is very interested in is the presence of cycles. Obviously we know there is a cycle of poverty, but there seems to be a cyclical nature to other things related to poverty as well. The biggest one seems to be the car -->job cycle. Basically, to get a job in a rural area, a person needs a car, but soon it becomes necessary to have a job to pay for the car, and the person is right back where he or she started.

Monday I am presenting at the Maine Counseling Association Conference. I got out my proposal yesterday to put together the presentation and discovered that I am presenting my dissertation. Eeeek. Did I think I would have at least preliminary data analysis done this fall when I committed to this? Okay, don't panic. I know for a fact that I am not ready to publicly make any claims about my research findings. I am spending today doing analyses and trying to come to some conclusions. I think I am just going to focus on the data I collected from guidance counselors and triangulate those data with data from students about similar topics. That is a more manageable slice. I will keep you posted.

Young Professionals

2009-03-23T15:18:00.002-04:00

I just want to say a special thank you to all of the student teachers who patiently listened to me today at their Professional Day. They were a gracious audience despite the fact that my voice sounded like a teenage boy and I kept coughing. The other funny thing was that the cold medicine I have been pumping into my system makes me feel a little fuzzy so sometimes I could not retrieve the words I was looking for while I was talking. I certainly didn't feel like my usual high energy self. Maybe that's good though, because I suspect I can come on a little strong at my usual energy level. I look forward to hearing feedback from the presentation and about all of the good work these student teachers are doing in the field!

The Code

2009-03-22T17:31:00.003-04:00

So the second I proclaimed that I finished something, I got sick. I wasn't serious! It was just a small little piece done. I refuse to be a martyr though; I take cold medicine every 4 hours and switch the the night time stuff around 11:00pm. I'm not messing around with this! I may or may not have taken a nap yesterday in my office, but you gotta do what you gotta do right?

I want to give a special thank you to Carla for spending hours with me this afternoon coding the interviews. Carla is amazing and if she decides to go to graduate school and/or do research in the future, she will do great things with it. I am so glad to have her, because I can't really talk about the data with anyone else. I can talk about big ideas, but no one can actually read the transcripts (and who would want to unless money was involved). It works better for me if I can talk things through and process what I am thinking about. Hence another reason why the blog is back. Even if I am talking to myself it is good. Continue reading if you want to know about my coding process, otherwise stop here. . .I won't be mad.

Really? You want to know? Okay! Today we worked on the 13 Educator interviews. I have spent the last few days doing in vivo (line by line) coding on hard copies of the transcripts. The point of in vivo coding is not to "look" for anything, but to just see what the data tell you. So, in the margins I write notes that are in the words of the speaker. From there, we create a list of codes that represent what was most salient across all thirteen interviews. We generated a list of aproximately 15 codes. Then to increase reliability, we both coded an interview together. We read through and decided which codes went with which pieces of text. We also had to add more codes that we had fogotten to capture all of the data. We did two interviews like this to be sure that we are clear on the definition of each code and what text should be assigned to each. (Some text and be coded multiple ways).

Now we move to the software. Now, some traditional qualitative researchers say that one should not use software for data analysis. It should all be done by hand with hi-lighters and scissors and pages and pages of paper. I disagree. I use HyperResarch which is a program developed my a professor at BC. Basically it is a tool that organizes the data, it doesn't actually do any analysis. It does allow me to select portions of text and assign codes, and then go back and look at one code and see all of the realated text from all of the interviews. This feature is invaluable in the writing. I recommend HyperResearch to anyone doing qualitative data analysis. You can also use photos, video, and sound in the program. I used it on my last study and found it to be amazing.

Now I am going to memo about each code to clearly define it for future reference. Tomororw I will start assigning the codes to the interviews.

Another Step Closer

2009-03-19T19:39:00.002-04:00

I just finished Transcribing!!!! It is such a good feeling to be done with this step. I only managed to lose one transcript in the process, which I was shockingly calm about, considering it was about 7 hours worth of typing. But the second go round allowed me to get a deeper sense of the emerging themes, so it was good for me.

I have to give a special thank you to my research assistant, Carla. She has spent many hours typing and checking and now I am ready to move on to the next phase of the research: coding the data. The part I love about transcribing is getting to hear all the paticipants' voices again and reaffirming for myself how brilliant adolescents can be. In my first study on adolescents living in rural poverty, I was amazed at how articulate and hopeful my participants were. Once again, they have put difficult constructs into words and are going to bring a voice to a marginalized population. I don't know yet how I am going to take all these rich data and synthesize them into a cohesive chapter. This will be a challenge, but I am really glad to be there!

Coping Mechanisms

2009-03-18T14:43:00.003-04:00

As the stress level rises and the deadlines approach, I think there are some decisions that need to be made regarding the dissertator's sanity. Here are my coping mechanisms:
1. Facebook.
2. The Crackberry.
3. A good massage therapist. I go to Serenity Holistic Massage in Farmington, 779-6671. serenity@beeline-online.net. I highly recommend that everyone go (even if they aren't doing a dissertation) because Emily is amazing and you will thank yourself!
4. The animal shelter. It is a nice place to read while cats sit in your lap and let you pet them. Disclaimer: Don't wear black!
5. Befriend a bartender at a local bar and make a once a week date for dinner and a reality TV show, while editing chapters.
6. Sleeping.
7. Blogging about absurd and ridiculous things that come to mind while trying to do actual work.
8. Holding breath (not advised).
9. Eating (see previous post).
10. Daydreaming about free time and what I will do with all of it next year.

Little D

2009-03-17T20:35:00.000-04:00

A wise woman once told me that writing my dissertation would be like having a baby. I got the metaphor, but I didn't realize that physically I would start to look that way. I am now affectionately referring to my midsection as "Little D."

Back at it

2009-03-17T08:57:00.001-04:00

I have not been posting of late due to some technical difficulties and then just feeling that I was behind and couldn't catch up. This morning I decided that it doesn't matter and now I can use this Blog as some comic relief and a way to share this last bit of the experience with my friends and family. The past few months have had their fair share of melt downs and challenges, but I am in the home stretch. I will be defending in June and putting this all behind me. I know for a fact that I won't have time to update everyone on my progress personally, so this will be a way for people to check in if they want to and laugh with me as I push through one of the most stressful times of my life. Please check back regularly and feel free to send me comments and things to think about. I will see you at the end!

Livin' the Life

2009-03-17T08:22:00.000-04:00

February 5, 2009
I am really trying to embrace the fact that the life I am living right now while collecting data is, in itself, data collection. Like most new researchers, I love the idea of living my research. Of being in it. I was excited when I had to drive an hour to do one interview because that is how things are in rural Maine. I thought it amusing that the road I traveled to one school was almost impassbale, thinking "no one would believe this." But then this week came and now the fun has worn off a little. I was collecting data. The group was brilliant, I left feeling great. I decided to stop at the seedy gas station in town that is famous for selling gas about 5 cents cheaper than anywhere else in central or western Maine. And because I am on a budget, I need to get cheap gas. I filled up my tank and then my car wouldn't start. Being in rural Maine and knowing no one (no social capital for me), I had to have it towed 30 miles back to Farmington (at $3 a mile after the first 5 miles). Then, I took it to the guy who has his own garage because he has the best rates (and I can't afford to have VIP figure out what is wrong with it). And he isn't open on Fridays (this was a Thursday), so he couldn't look at it until Monday. Anway, I had to reschedule my next data collection appointment because I had no way to get to the school. In the midst of all of my stress and mental break downs, I just tried to use it as research. My expeirence echoed what I have been hearing in my interviews about transportation being a barrier to so many things. I understood what it was like to be stranded, to have to bail on something at the last minute because I had no other choice, and to not get my work done because of something beyond my control. So, $500 later I am loving life again and understanding what "researcher as participant" means!

Shout out!

2008-04-20T09:42:00.000-04:00

I have submitted my Intent and had my meeting with the Dean. My committee is awaiting their official invitations to participante. Phew!
I want to give a shout out to the principals of the nine schools where I will be collecting my data. They all approved my proposal and gave me permission within a week of receiving my letter!! Thank you so much for your support. I am looking forward to working wiht you on this project.
On another note, the paper I co-authored with Dr. John Maddaus of the University of Maine at Farmington has been submitted to the Journal of Research on Rural Education. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Identity

2008-03-27T09:56:00.000-04:00

The discussant in our paper session at AERA mentioned that she found it interesting that when one is looking at rural poverty, the participants are lacking a distinct identity because they don’t have the added identity of a minority race or ethnicity. I disagree. I think they do have a distinct identity and it may be their ruralness, but it may also be other things that define them. It could also be a white identity. My participants showed that they were defined by their rural location. I don’t think they are lacking an identity.

Success

2008-03-27T09:54:00.000-04:00

I listened to a presentation at AERA by Michael Corbett, a sociologist from Acadia Univeristy in Nova Scotia. He has looked at rurality as a sense of place. He talked about changes and the changes that rural youth must anticipate and adapt to during emerging adulthood. He made a point that really made me think. He said that most recently he is wondering if it isn’t that working class families aren’t serious about higher education, but that in fact they might be more serious and see higher education as a way to get a better career and make more money. They may put pressure on their children to know what it is they want to do and then pursue that career path through education. When the children can’t live up to those expectations, they may not follow through at all. In contrast, the more well off parents may be encouraging the period of emerging adulthood and may push their kids to go to college to explore and find themselves, versus knowing from the start.

Generational Poverty

2008-03-27T09:53:00.000-04:00

I find myself getting worried about our students, about their success and whether or not they will make it. There are some participants from my original study whose aspirations were high and who wanted to achieve very high goals. Several of them did not achieve those goals and it isn’t because they didn’t try, but because there were other things. This is a complex issue that is so frustrating for practitioners. What I am wondering is if this is because we are trying to change generational poverty. We are trying to interrupt something that is entrenched in a family and it embedded in an individual’s history, context, and biography. So, my questions is. . .does it take more than a generation to break the cycle? Upward Bound is only 40 years old, so it is really too soon to tell if the children of our alumni will all go to college and if what Upward Bound did for them was to change the culture of their families, but they could not benefit from the program in the way that we had intend for them to.

The Intent

2008-02-10T16:26:00.000-05:00

I finished my first draft of my intent. It feels like things are much clearer. I have felt unsettled about going with the hope theme because that was my word, not theirs. Now I am much more comfortable with the decisions I made to really just look at resilence and how my participants define it. It is usually the dominant society (middle to upper class) which defines what success is and it is quite possible that an adolescent growing up in rural poverty could in fact have a different definition of what it means to be successful and resilient within this context. The implications for gaining a better understanding of how this population defines success and resilience are numerous for practicioners. I think I will also be able to try to get at why many of them are not successful (by the dominant culture's standards). I have also worked out the details of my methods. I have decided to conduct my interpretive focus groups at 7 schools with approximately 50 kids. I am then going to do 5 nested case studies where I interview the parents and a teacher that is connected to five of my participants. The nested case studies will help me to triangulate my data and add rigor to my study.

My next issue is funding. I have applied for a research assistant through UMF, so if I am able to get one to help with the transcribing, then that will be a huge asset. I am also looking for other funding options so that I can compensate my participants and their families.

Changes

2007-12-03T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have recently been hired as a full time Educational Counselor at Upward Bound at the University of Maine at Farmington. My new job starts December 17 and I am ready to immerse myself in the culture I am studying and get this dissertation done! I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me and I am so excited to start working.

In terms of progress. . .I just finished my problem statement. This is like an introduction where I lay out the major argument for my research and state the problem that it will address. I hate the fact that it is called a problem statement because I am not looking at problems (a deficit model), but at what is working for these kids. Anyway, when all is said and done I feel like I have many problems: most of the research is on urban poverty, most of the research is quantitative, most of the research tells us the factors present for resilience, but not the process, and hope is a cognitive construct. So, now it feels like a disjointed mess that has coherence in my head but not on paper. I think some feedback will help me to circumscribe these problems and figure out how to couch my research in an argument that makes sense.

Most importantly, I feel my energy coming back, my focus regaining, and my desire to find answers to my questions getting stronger again. That is a good feeling. I know that when I get to Maine and I settle into my office and my new space I will be able to be more productive and make substantial progress.

Shout Out!

2007-10-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

I'd like to give a shout out to my dissertation seminar cohort who gave me some very helpful feedback today for my intent. It is just nice to know that there are other people who are in this with me and who want to finish as badly as I do.
There. . .I said it out loud, publicly: I want to get out of here. I think I have found my motivation again and I am ready to dive in and get this thing done!

Dream journal

2007-09-22T12:17:00.000-04:00

I had a dream that I was back in Maine and I was running. I couldn't remember exactly how to get to the place I was trying to go though. Then I realized that I wasn't making any progress; that I was basically running in place. It was so frustrating. I think this is a metaphor for how I am feeling right now. I feel a bit like I am running in place. I am trying to move forward, but there are other things that are holding me up or that I am waiting for. I need to get my motivation recharged and get my head back in the game. I think I am going to make a time line for my dissertation and get the next two years mapped out so I can see where I am headed and feel like I am making progress. If anyone has any words of motivation, pass them on. . .

Back to school

2007-08-31T15:11:00.001-04:00

I'm getting that back to school feeling I always get. My stomach hurts and I just want summer to keep going. I love school and I still feel sick before it starts every year. I am also feeling incredibly unmotivated. I am getting anxious about all I have to do and how tired I am. I think as soon as I make a timeline and see the dissertation as a series of tasks that I can check off, then maybe my motivation will return. That is my next project.

SiCKO

2007-08-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

Last night we saw Michael Moore's new movie SiCKO. Definitely go see it!! He has done it again! It was amazing. I have so much to say about it, but it really just needs to be seen by everyone. It is a powerful film and it shows how our country treats those who are in the lower social strata. I loved how he compared the U.S. to other countries like England, France, and Canada who see every human life as valuable. The scenes in the hospital in Cuba were moving and inspirational. I left crying (which isn't saying much, I know), but I completely support his statements that we can change the world. I have always felt (and please don't think I am comparing myself to Michael Moore, because I am not anywhere near his greatness) that if I say what I believe out loud about how change is possible and that we could help people, then I would be labeled an idealist and laughed at. But he has the courage to say it and hopefully people will listen. How can they not, he supports everything with evidence.
I think I have a past posting about health care and rural poverty from my research. I know I heard many stories from my participants about their parents and the medical attention they were not receiving for various ailments. It is terrible really. Please let me know what you thought about the movie if you have seen it. If you haven't. . .go. . .now!

Jonesport by the Sea

2007-08-12T19:58:00.000-04:00

After Upward Bound ended I spent a few days in Joesport, my mother's hometown and one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Jonesport is also located in Washington County which has the highest poverty rate in the sate of Maine. It was depressing to see how much property was for sale in this small coastal town. When I went online to see the prices of some of these properties, they were outrageous!

I talked with a few "locals" about what has been happening and why so many people were leaving Jonesport. They feel that it may be due to the new plan to make regional schools. Currently Jonesport's elementary school has about 100 kids and Beals Island's elementary school has 40. What the governor is proposing is to close both of the schools and build a new regional school in Machias (about 30-40 minutes away) and bus the kids from both Jonesport and Beals to the regional school. The people in the community are distressed because both of the schools are paid for and they are important parts of the community.

People are also concerned that it will lead to more drop outs because some of the kids aren't motivated as it is to stay in school, knowing they will be fishing for a living, so making it harder to get there might contribute to the problem more. This will most likely also eliminate Class D sports because of the consolidation and sports are a huge part of the culure of these small towns.

It is sad to see what is happening to such an amazing place. If any thing, I think they need more resources brought to them, not taken away. What will happen?

Living in the Lab

2007-06-28T18:13:00.000-04:00

I have not been working on my dissertation of late, but I am back at Upward Bound for the summer. This is the place that sparked my interest in rural poverty and this is the place I love the most. I am so glad to be here with such amazing young people. Every day I hear their stories and I am awed by their strength. I will write more soon.

Boys of Baraka

2007-04-21T12:14:00.000-04:00

I watched the documentary Boys of Baraka last night. It reminded me of how there was a time when I was very sure I wanted to open an alternative school (I still might some day). It was going to be called an "E.P.R. School" which would stand for "Education, Practice, and Research" (and also my initials). So the Baraka school was a school in Kenya that took 20 at-risk boys from Baltimore, MD each year to go to Kenya for two years to complete middle school with the idea that it would help them graduate from high school. (75% of African American boys in Baltimore do not graduate from high school).

There were many aspects of the film that struck me, but one that is directly related to my research is the idea that context has such an impact on development. And further, if one is removed from his context, it might improve his development. In this case, innner city youth were taken to a rural area. The juxtaposition of the two locations was striking. In the beginning of the film the boys were in their natural environments-- the city. They were 12 years old, but looking and acting like men. They were flexing for the camera and talking about how tough they were. They were on the streets getting into fights and doing drugs with people much older than them. When they arrived in Africa, they looked like different kids. They were little boys, collecting bugs, chasing lizards, and playing like boys should. They were allowed to have a break and just relax a bit and be kids.

So I am thinking about rural vs. urban again. On the one hand, urban youth see opportunity, but may feel more constrained by their context and the multiple negative influences. On the other hand, rural youth may lack exposure to other opportunities, thus not even knowing what is available to them. Which is more hopeless? I might guess the urban. I would also guess that maybe this leads to anger at being aware of what is out there that you can't reach. This might then precipitate more violence. Meanwhile, rural youth are just as exposed to drugs and alcohol (maybe not as much violence), but there is less to distract them overall; fewer people, and less stimuli. So, do they feel more hopeless or depressed as a result?

I must say that my comparisons are simply a product of my brain tyring to understand these two contexts in order to make better recommendations for practice and change. I don't think it is at all important to try to determine who has it worse. I think it is obvious that the two contexts are just different, thus we need to know how they are different in order to help the different youth growing up in them.

Poor People

2007-04-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

I am half way through a book called Poor People by William T. Vollmann. I can say that I definitely set out to hate this book. The review in the Globe was positive, but the quotes they used from the text made me itchy: "I am sometimes afraid of poor people. . .my fear of people whom I define as poor is part of what defines me as rich." Insightful, yes, but I anticipated the release of the book like a school boy waiting for a fight after school. I was pacing, fuming, and making arguments against his callous assertions. Even the title was like a play on words: people that are poor, but also the statement we so frequently make when we feel pity "poor people."

The premise of Vollmann's book is that he traveled the world (the third world) asking poor people why they are poor and what makes them poor. This is an intriguing research question I think. He also photographed the people and includes in them in his appendix. The book is a series of profiles of real people whom he talked with, followed by his commentary on their lives and what he "heard" in their responses. The book moves fast, so the reader is whisked from country to country, meeting a host of characters.

Now that I am half way through, I am beginning to warm up to his arrogance and sarcasm and taking it as irony and not as truth. This sits better with me, for I am a big fan or irony. He makes statements that I often make as I am puzzling about poverty, inequality, and classism. I am thinking he just has the nerve to write it down and get it published. I find myself reading this book like I watch the Cobert Report on Comedy Central; I am constantly amused, but afraid that out of ignorance someone might tune in and think that Stephen Cobert is for real. I would hope this book's readers will sense the irony right away and not allow this academic's words to support their potentially ignorant opinions.

My final comments about the book thus far are from a research perspective. I understand that the book is being marketed to a wide audience (I bought it at Barnes & Noble), but his style neglects some of the important characteristics of writing up qualitative research. Namely, he doesn't use quotation marks to indicate what a person has said. He also doesn't clearly delineate when the interpreters are interjecting their own comments about what the interviewee has just said. This style makes it very difficult to follow what is directly quoted and what is editorialized by his interpreters or himself.

More to come when I finish. . .

Red Sox Nation

2007-04-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

I want put a shout out to my father in law (and anyone else who is as big a Red Sox Fan as I am). I am worried that my dissertation plans will have to take a back seat now that the Red Sox season has started. My time and attention will be devoted to the Sox. Go team go!

Learned Helplessness

2007-04-01T13:08:00.000-04:00

The SRCD conference gave me a few more things to think about. Kathryn Grant had some very important points about stressors in the context of poverty and mitigating the outcomes. Her take home message was that kids living in poverty who have coping mechanisms that don't have a lot of positive benefits, may succumb to learned helplessness. Like the Seilgman's dogs who first tried to avoid the shocks, but eventually gave up and stopped trying, children living in poverty may do the same. In fact, when Grant looked at the kinds of support kids had there were a few different groups. One group said they "do nothing" to cope in the face of stress. Another said they were "self reliant" and used self initiated coping mechanisms. The third group relied on their friends for support, and the fourth group had a larger support network of family, friends, etc. Of course the group with the larger network fared better, but the interesting finding was that the "do nothing" group were better off than the "self reliant" group. It is as if, those who tried to handle everything themselves with their own skills would get discouraged more easily.

I think this sits nicely with social capital theory. Here is where it is important to develop those skills that children need to be resilient and hopeful. BUT, it is also important to develop support networks and resources for the children to rely on as well. An analogy that comes to mind in a clinical setting would be if a client was trying to quit smoking and the psychologist taught the client a new technique. The client goes home, armed with this new knowledge and a new skill, but everyone in the home environment is still smoking and in fact they give the client a hard time when he practices his technique in front of them. So, the whole intent backfires. If, however, the psychologist had told the client how to talk with the family and elicit their support in his cessation efforts, the technique may have been more successful.

So in terms of fostering resilience it is important to look at how in isolation the skills we are developing on an individual level may actually be detrimental in the impoverished environment. And also working to develop all aspects of the person, rather than just one dimension.

The age old debate. . .

2007-03-30T13:24:00.000-04:00

I traveled to the Green Mountain State last weekend for the NEOA conference. I had never been to Vermont, but it was another beautiful rural area. The overall experience of being surrounded by the most passionate, humble, hard working professionals is really tremendous. It is so nice to get their input and feedback. I gave them a lot of practical ideas around fostering resilience in their students and build social capital. Because my classroom at Upward Bound is very theory based, I was able to share many of the activities I use.

A feeling of frustration was prevalent at the confernece though. The DOE has decided to do an empirical study of Upward Bound and its impact on child outcomes. The idea is good, but the implementation has put many UB staff in a comprimising and unethical situation. Any child who gets accepted is put into a lottery system and is either put into the treatment group (UB) or the control (no UB). A stipulation of being in the controlm group (which they are randomly assigned to) is that the participant must agree to never received services from UB in the future. The problem is, the directors are the people who have to tell the kids that they were accepted, but didn't get into the treatment group, and then tell them that they can never reapply or receive any services. This seems unethical.

My presentation seemed to fit into this energy nicely. In my explanation of phenomenology I always emphasize some basic ideas. First, phenomenonlogy is grounded in existential philosophy and the belief is that there is no one truth, in fact there are many. And there are also multiple realities, unique unto each individual. This refute the positivist view point that there is just one truth and one reality for everyone. I do not try to present myself as being biased toward qualitative research (even though I clearly am), but merely emphasize that your method really depends on the questions you are asking. BUT I think they questions we are asking about rural poverty and Upward Bound are best answered from a qualitative perspective.

An English Lesson

2007-03-23T11:54:00.000-04:00

In preparation for the conference I am going to, I have taken the plunge into the resilience literature. I was really hesitatnt to do this, because it is such a big area, but getting my feet wet hasn't turned out to be all that bad.

So I have been wondering why some people say "resilience" and others say "resiliency" and I wasn't even sure if one of them was grammatically incorrect. BUT, they really mean two different things. The former, resilience, refers to the dynamic process of adaptaion in the context of adversity. Resiliency, refers to a personal trait or characteristc one has. Ann Masten (1994) encouraged researchers to adhere to these definitions when using the words, to eliminate confusion in research. However, this is a debate in the field. . .is it a trait or a process? One implication with referring to resiliency as a personal characterisitcs is that it might be assumed that some people simply do not "have what it takes" to overcome adversity.

In light of this, I say I believe it is a process and that it is possible to foster resilience in those who are facing or may face adversity in the future. BUT. . .where does my hope construct fit into this? I think Snyder's theory suggests that hope is more of a personal characterisitc, based on the fact that it is cognitive and has the elements of 1) ability to set goals, 2) pathway thinking, and 3) agency thinking.

So I am back at the beginning. . .resilience or resiliency?

Dreamland

2007-03-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

Phenomenology emphasizes that the researcher should look to other mediums to learn more about the phenomenon of interest. This means books, poetry, music, movies, paintings, etc. All of these things hellp to illuminate and inform your own personal research.

There are a few movies that I think portray rural poverty and adolescent development very well. I am adding Dreamland to my list. This movie is set in a trailer park in the desert. The girl is spending the summer after her senior year working at a convienence store, taking care of her agrophobic/alcoholic father, she is hanging out with her best friend who has MS and no health coverage, and she is trying to decide if she can get out of there. The movie is right on, I think. And it really captures that idea of not being able to leave. She says "They need me. What am I supposed to do just abandon them?"

Friday Night Lights (the movie) is another one that really captures that idea of the small town and its close knit ties. The heartbreaking part of this movie is that the parents keep telling their children that high school is as good as life gets, and after that there is nothing worth living for.

The third movie I think is worth watching is Country Boys. It is a PBS documentary that follows two high school boys through the years at an alternative school in Apalachia. It is hours and hours long, but the two boys are so real and you see all aspects of their lives and how difficult it is to live in rural poverty.

Upcoming conferences

2007-03-12T21:08:00.000-04:00

March 12, 2007
I am currently preparing for two conferences to present this research. I am going to NEOA next week to present the hope stuff I have been working on and I am hoping to get some feedback from the practicioners there who work with these kids everyday. I think their persepectives are invaluable in this process and I am able to really bounce ideas off of them and make changes. The few days I will be spending with them are also great opportunities to ask questions and play around with some ideas.

The second conference is SRCD and that is a more academic conference. I am only doing a poster presentation and it is over my initial findings from last spring. I don't expect that experience to be any more than a resume builder because there are few practicioners there and the sessions are mostly attended by other grad students.

Hope

2007-03-12T20:42:00.001-04:00

November 28, 2006
Hope has many dimensions. Some would say it is what one has when all else is lost. What one has when the odds are low. However, others (Snyder) would say that hope is a more deliberate, cognitive process. A process that requires structures and strategies and that is present before all else is lost. Having hope serves as “preventative medicine” for this disadvantaged population, helping them to foresee barriers and challenges that could stand in their way and prevent them from achieving their goals.

Snyder’s Hope Theory details three necessary components to hope. These cognitive elements of this spiritual construct help to delineate how it actually influences one’s outcomes. First, one must have goals. These are plans for the future. Goals can be immediate (short term) or they can be long term. They are one’s wishes for what one will achieve and they can encompass a variety of areas of one’s life. Second, one must employ pathway thinking. Pathway thinking is the ability to see a route to achieving a goal. This is the plan for accomplishing what one sets out to do. Another critical piece of pathway thinking for hopeful people is that they are able to generate multiple pathways to reaching a desired goal and that they are not limited by just one. Finally, there must be agency to achieve one’s goals. This requires the motivation to set out on a delineated pathway and to persevere until a goal is met. Agency is critical to achieving goals, for without it the actual achievement will not occur.

Unfortunately, hope theory is not directly congruent with the findings of this study. What these data suggest is that it may be a combination of both perspectives. Hope, for these rural poor youth, seems to be both cognitive and emotional. Perhaps what is happening is that one must have the cognitive structures that hope theory suggests initially. It is with these cognitive structures, that they are able to see opportunity and take advantage of it. But these alone would not be called “hope” in our everyday world; we might just call it motivation or drive. When faced with challenges, this is when hope becomes that emotional or spiritual construct. One does truly have hope when all else is lost, but without those initial cognitive structures, it may not be what makes him successful. It is the emotional dynamic that makes them engage in more pathway thinking and explore alternative pathways when one does not work out. It is this same emotional dynamic that motivates and gives agency to them to pursue those pathways. Clearly, this sample exemplifies this because they have demonstrated their pathway and agency thinking by taking action to join a program like Upward Bound. This affirms the notion that given an opportunity, they will take advantage of it, driven by the hope that it will help them to reach their goals.

What is it?

2007-03-12T20:40:00.001-04:00

November 15, 2006
I am trying to figure out what it is. First, these adolescents, like their other poor counterparts, experience a tremendous amount of stressful life events. There are constant barriers and challenges they are faced with and must navigate an unpredictable world. Second, despite all of the possible negative events in their lives, they have something that keeps them going, something that makes them get up in the morning and go through another day. They are not antisocial, underachieving, or in possession of low aspirations as the current research would suggest. The data analysis process became the discovery of this “thing” and the realization that the “thing” is hope.
I am trying to write a paper that will capture the viseral feeling that my slide show conveys. I want to get that feeling written down. I think it is hope. It has been right there all along. . .the last quote of my slide show it "Hopefully my dreams will keep me going."

NEOA conference

2007-03-12T20:34:00.000-04:00

April 6, 2006

Presenting at NEOA was really great. My research was well received and it was good to bring it to people who work with this population on a daily basis. I was hesitant to get on my soap box and say that I think social and emotional development should be an aspect of Upward Bound programs, but I did mention it briefly. At the end a person from SSS at UNH said that she wanted to reaffirm what I said about the importance of social and emotional development and say that it is definitely needed. As someone who works with them when they get to college, she can see that they need it. She said in reference to my findings about their attitudes toward people who have money and not wanting to be defined by their social status that these kids don’t want to be “outed” when they get to college and they are hesitant to create a community of people like them. They can’t see beyond the money issue. She also thought that my finding about peer group membership might be related to the fact that they are planning to get out. They don’t identify with a less desirable group because they want to get out of it and they are caught in the middle.

Interpretive Focus Groups

2007-03-12T20:15:00.001-04:00

April 4, 2006

I’ve been thinking about the interpretive focus groups I want to conduct with my data. I am thinking about creative ways to look at the data with a group. The obvious ways are to read a transcript aloud. I am also thinking about showing a photograph and saying “tell me the story that goes with this photo” or something like that. Also asking them to help me figure out the teen pregnancy finding and the peer group finding. I also had the idea to day from a speaker I heard to maybe do a card sort kind of thing where I write words from the interviews and have them sort them into categories. Just another way to talk about classism and other issues. I may try this this summer in class and see how it works before I bring it to the focus groups.

2007-03-12T20:14:00.003-04:00

March 30, 2006

I am trying to figure out two of the findings. First, the peer group membership finding. Most of the adolescents say that they are not members of a specific peer group. They describe themselves as floaters. They have friends, just not a specific group. One possible explanation is that kids form low income families tend to have more distance in their familial relationships. I think this is evident in the family stress model. Because of these distant relationships, it is necessary to have more friends in order to create a family. This is seen in gang membership, mostly comprised of low income adolescents who are looking for a family.

The other finding I am trying to figure out is the delaying marriage and family until after a career. From Lisa Dodson’s book it is pretty clear that many of these girls do not see a life beyond high school and therefore do not see having a child as being a potential barrier to their success. Teen pregnancy is also related to low achievement in school and many of the kids are high achievers. What also startled me was that two girls said that an unplanned pregnancy could be a barrier that could prevent them from achieving their goals. They said it as though it was as out of their control as being hit by a car. I think this ties in with the external locus of control that is more common in low income populations. They do not think they have any control over getting pregnant, that it is something that will happen to them.

2007-03-12T20:14:00.001-04:00

March 25, 2006

I have been working on my slide show. I am really pleased at how it has all come together. The juxtaposition of the photos of the context they live in with their thoughts about their lives is really striking. I think the most important thing this slide show conveys is the hope and resilience they exhibit. The show makes me cry. I hope it has the same impact on the audience and it conveys the depth of my emotion toward the topic.

Phenomenology

2007-03-12T20:13:00.001-04:00

February 27, 2006

I met with D.W. today to talk about Phenomenology and how I can infuse the philosophy into my research. He said that as long as I say that I didn’t set out to use a phenomenological lens, but learned more about it later and it fits with what I did, I can use that as a way to frame my work and bring it to the audience. I think I am going to use the Four lived worlds: temporal, corporeal, spatial, and relational to organize my data. I think there are themes in each of these areas coming out.

Temporal- lived time- the kids talk about their future goals and plans, they also talk about their parents’ childhoods to get at generational poverty and how their lives may or may not be different than their parents’ lives when they are adults.

Spatial- lived space- we talk about isolation, about living in a rural area and how it impacts their ability to see their friends, their yards, their houses, etc.

Relational- we talk about friends, family, community, school and their relationship to each of those systems and how the systems interact with each other. We talk about their relationships with their families and friends, partners, and future children.

Corporeal- we talk about thoughts and feelings, personal qualities they have, fears about the future, etc.

2007-03-12T16:06:00.001-04:00

October 8, 2005

“Who are you who will read these words and study these photographs, and through what cause, by what chance, and for what purpose, and by what right do you qualify to, and what will you do about it.” (James Agee Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, p.9)

Living Wage

2005-11-04T16:09:00.000-05:00

November 4, 2005

I have been thinking that a limitation to my study was the fact that TRIO measures the poverty level differently than the national poverty threshold and so I can’t compare my findings to other research on low-income families. Yesterday I was doing a little more investigating and learning more about the poverty threshold and learned some really interesting information. First TRIO uses the next tier which is 150% instead of 100% of the poverty threshold, meaning $28,000 as the income cutoff. Some programs (like Medacaid in Maine) uses 200% as a cut off in order to serve more people. My sample are the working poor of western Maine, meaning that one or both of the parents is working and they are still poor.

Further reading led me to the Living Wage estimates which are much more accurate in determining just how much it actually costs to get your basic needs met in any area. The poverty threshold is calculated my multiplying the cost of a minimum food budget by three (because in the 60’s food was one third of one’s expenses). The living wage is individualized by city, even county and calculates food, housing, utilities, child care, and taxes. These figures show that one would need to make more than twice the amount of income at the federal poverty level to meet the basic needs. In terms of living wage, in Maine it is $37,759 for a family of four compared to the federal poverty level which is $18,392 for a family of four. This just astounds me. Translated to minimum wage, a person living in Maine would need to make $14.84 an hour, while minimum wage is only $6.25 in Maine. I just find this fascinating and maddening. The per capita income in Maine right now is about $18,734, that is $400 above the poverty level.

2005-11-03T16:08:00.000-05:00

November 3, 2005

After reading the methodology section of Lisa’s book, I am more invigorated and already thinking beyond this project. She just writes such touching and sensitive statements. She refers to the act of doing social research which transcends class borders as “crossing over.” There are some specific principles associated with this kind of research. 1)Being neutral is a kind of silence. She acknowledges that one can not be neutral or unbiased to do this kind of research- that in itself would be unethical. 2) Spending considerable time with people. She says that one must understand them in their lives and develop trust.
I completely agree with these principles and it relieves me to know that I am not wrong for feeling this way. I feel like I have fulfilled both of these principles for this research. I am in no way neutral and I have spent a great deal of time with these kids. Six years of observations and interviews that will never be put into a formal research document, all of which gave me incredible insight into what I would like to look at further. The final principle Lisa Dodson discusses is 3) “authoritative participation of members of whatever community or population is investigated.” This means involving them at different stages of the research, having them be involved in interpretation, and compensation. I love how she says it is “fundamental to gaining the reflective and critical analysis of those historically left out and to building with them another kind of discourse.” So, if I am able to take this data I have collected and go further with it to bring it back to them and have them interpret it that would be great. Lisa designed the methodology of interpretive focus groups and I think it could be utilized in my next steps with this project.

2005-11-01T16:07:00.000-05:00

November 1, 2005

I finished Lisa Dodson’s book, Don’t Call Us Out of Name. It was amazing. That is what I want to write. That is what I want my dissertation to be. She had the kids design the survey, analyze the data, and then conduct focus groups to look at the data in a more in depth manor. It was incredible. It really renewed my energy for doing participatory research. I see that there is a balance one can find and it doesn’t have to fit into the little box that is PAR. I am planning to meet with Lisa soon to talk with her about possibilities for my dissertation and to get a sense of what is within my grasp for a dissertation. I think I might be able to take this data and share it with another group of rural adolescents and have them analyze it for other themes and go more in depth about what to do next. I also think creating an exhibit of their photography would be really amazing. It might go on tour to local and school libraries. It could be very powerful.

Coding

2005-10-19T16:06:00.000-04:00

October 19, 2005

In the HyperRESEARCH workshop this week we talked more about coding. I am finally learning how to code and how to analyze my data. I think my approach is going to be to do initial line by line coding. That will mean that I will make a code basically for each line or idea presented in the interview. Then, I will look for ways to collapse those codes into metacodes which incorporate more of the smaller codes. I think this is the best way to be thorough and not miss anything. It will also prevent my own bias from coming into play. I not only know these data, but I know these participants and I wouldn’t want to invent things that aren’t there. I want to see what the data say. This is going to be time consuming. I am doing okay with the transcribing, but I really need to get more done. I have to be able to present some preliminary findings in December.

"The Way Life Should Be?"

2005-09-30T16:04:00.000-04:00

September 30, 2005
I have finished transcribing eight interviews. I feel like the data are amazing. I did two boys today. I have only done girls so far. They were different. The boys take a little more prompting. They are sometimes satisfied to leave it at “this is my house” and I have to ask them to talk more about why they took the picture and why it is important. Jim was interesting because he really talked about class differences in his town and how his mother was treated at school open house because she doesn’t have as much money. He is very reflective. He also loves his mother and what she does for the family. I think the mother/child relationship is getting discussed a lot in these interviews. They are very loyal to their parents. I also became interested in Bob’s stuttering. I was looking for patterns in his speech; when he did it and when he didn’t. Sometimes he articulated exactly what he wanted to say and other times he repeated not only consonants, but entire phrases several times when trying to express his thoughts. I am still working on titles and I am wondering if I can do something with the saying “Maine, the way life should be.” Bob mentioned it in his interview and it makes me think about a lot of different aspects of Maine and who came up with this saying and was it a tourist or a native? Where did he or she live? Should Maine be different in any ways?

Who's driving?

2005-09-25T16:02:00.000-04:00

September 25, 2005

I find it so interesting to listen carefully to the tapes and to see where the interviews go. On Friday I transcribed my conversation with June. She was quite emotional in the interview and we even stopped. What it interesting is that I didn‘t lead her to that place. We were on another topic and she brought us back to her mother. She needed to tell me. It is amazing. An image that resonated with me from this interview is that she took a picture of a license plate to represent her identity. It had four numbers on it and she said that she is one of just a few in her state and school. Very interesting.

While I am transcribing I am also constantly wishing I had gone a little further, wishing I had asked just one more question to go a little deeper. Interestingly, the interview will often go back to those deeper questions later on. It is like a spiral—we revisit a similar theme or idea but go in deeper and talk about it more completely, round out the picture a little better.

“What do you think it is that makes these kids resilient?”

2005-09-19T16:01:00.000-04:00

September 19, 2005

Today I was asked: “What do you think it is that makes these kids resilient?” I know it seems illogical when they grow up in an environment and what they see is all they know. Christina’s mom is doing drugs at her house, she is sending her away to her grandmother’s house so she can party with her friends. Christina wants nothing to do with drugs, she doesn’t want to screw up her life like her mom did. And yet you’d think that she would be more inclined to be doing drugs after the exposure and access to them. What is it that makes her not? I hear anger and frustration in her voice. In her egocentric, adolescent mind, her mother’s choices are impacting her quality of life and in her eyes this is wrong. Is it the anger and bitterness that keeps them from making it part of their lives? Where do their aspirations come from? Maybe this question will get answered.

This is my world

2005-09-17T15:59:00.000-04:00

September 17, 2005

I am feeling incredibly attached to my data, possessive, territorial. Maybe this is common when it is your first research project, and yet maybe this is just my passionate side coming through. I have the potential to get someone to help with the transcribing. I am hesitant to bring another person on board; to give some one else access to my data. I feel obligated to uphold my promise to the participants to not share their information with anyone else. I am committed to the trust they had in me and the work they did. My data are rich and I want to get into them, to see them from all angles. I know that to get to that place I have a lot of work to do and I know that it won’t take away from my project to allow someone else to help me. I also find that I want to hear their voices again. I want to spend time with them while I am transcribing their interviews. My personal attachment to the participants is standing in my way when it comes to giving up some of the work. But there aren’t enough hours in the day. There isn’t enough time to get everything done and this help would be an asset.

Let's start at the very beginning

2005-08-11T15:56:00.000-04:00

August 11, 2005
The interviews are complete. That was a whirlwind six weeks of data collection. It was exciting. I can’t wait to start examining it, looking at it closely. I want to understand what I have gathered. I want to listen to their stories again. Technically, I feel like the interviews were good. I think I got a lot of information. The kids were very open with me about their lives and about their experiences. I learned so much. I don’t know if my interviewing skills are as refined as some. I know I tend to be a counselor first and struggle with being unbiased in my language. I tend to affirm everything they say and focus on emotions, what they were feeling. I often comment on their words and feel compelled to make interjections. I found it very helpful to tell the kids right up front that I may ask them questions that I already know the answers to (personal information they told me outside of the interview) but that I will ask again because I can only use what they tell me during the interview. This way I can just ask questions without feeling the need to bring things up in a conversational manner. They were so good with me, in helping me learn how to do research, in helping me complete my project.

The thing they were really concerned about was compensation. Most of them asked if I would be paying them out of my pocket. If I was, they did not want the money. I found this to be so touching that they would not want the $20 if it came from me personally. They assured me that they would do it for me anyway. In the end they all took the money. They also took the photography very seriously. They took some interesting pictures to represent their lives. Limited by the fact that they couldn’t take picture of people, they were forced to be creative and to think more abstractly. I was impressed with the symbolism they generated and the way they thought about their lives. So impressed.

A question I come out of the summer thinking a lot about is about houses. I spent some time driving around taking pictures of my own. How is that I knew which houses were obviously those belonging to the rural poor? There are similar characteristics. There are abandoned cars parked in the driveway, on the lawn, in the edge of the woods. There are other appliances and trash littering the front lawn and yard. Why? Why are there “things” everywhere? Does it show what you have? Is it too expensive to have them removed from the property? Is there not enough time in the day when you are working several jobs. Is there a feeling that no one sees it because you are isolated?